And then once in a while

I must confess, I am an obsessive web-surfer. I can surf bbcnews, nytimes.com ,wikipedia etc for hours. I enjoy reading the stuff in news and the mundane stuff which is not.

And then once in while ,I read some thing that breaks my heart. So while surfing bbcnews, I read this article about a woman who had gone drinking leaving her kids at home and it left me disturbed.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/lancashire/8362815.stm

I am not a big emotional wreck who cries at each and every moment. However the description of the kids situation was pretty saddening. There are some folks who don't deserve to be sad. Kids are one of them.

Anyway from the article:-

The eldest daughter was leaning out of the lounge window, was rain-soaked and had been crying, he said.

Stevenson's one-year-old son was "hysterical" in his cot upstairs.

The youngster was soaked in urine as was the three-month-old boy who was also covered in sick in his cot.

The four-year-old girl had tried to feed the baby by using chairs to climb up to a kitchen cupboard and reach a tin of milk powder.

I think it was the description of the four year old girl trying to feed her brother that set the rage and the outrage off. There is a feeling of helplessness there, a desperation that transcends boundaries and cultures.

I hope the kids are happy now and I hope the mother realizes, there is no injustice and cruelty greater than cruelty to the weak, innocent and the helpless.

I would be too judgemental but I do wish the mother one day may feel genuine regret and remorse.

There is no bigger and sharper prick than that of the conscience.

Am I confused?

Oh yes I am.

I was reading this guys article recently who could not decide whether to pursue a MBA or stay on with his company who were sending him to US. He said ,"I am a very confused person".

I read it , thought for a while and realized if he is in the kingdom of the confused, I am the realm's emperor.

So as a record for posterity, I will list down the choices that I have faced:-

a) Let me put it simply. If I could, I would have split into nine and followed nine different professions. And this is at the minimum.

b) I actually wanted to be a lawyer but told myself there are already too many lawyers out there.

c) One of the most gut-wrenching decisions has been the army. Being an army brat, I gave it serious thought but later decided I could not live out my life preparing for a war that never happens. Also to explain the disconnect I have reached the conclusion that there is a greater possibility of me contributing positively to the community in other roles.

d) I wanted to my BA honours in English and go into journalism. firstly my parents thought pretty low of journalist. Secondly, when I met the ex-head of Allahabad University's English department(he incidentally had taught my mother), he told me that the English curriculum is not challenging and a bright student like me will find it dry. Yes, there was a time when I was considered bright.

e) I wanted to be a doctor and this was also a pretty serious fling. It was only once I had sat for the medical entrance exams and qualified for dental that I suddenly realized, medicine as a career was a full time commitment and I really could not wait till 30 to be financially independent. (5.5 years MBBS, 3 years MD, 2 years D.Ch. Add a few years here and there and you have life starting at 31-32. Not moi.)

f) I had looked at the physics in class 11th and immediately swapped hindi for maths. So engineering was my option. I thought I could be more creative in engineering(Ah ,the days of innocence). I gave IIT a good attempt and joined computers engineering at AIT(when NIT Warrangal plans got torpedoed by the dammed naxals. Its another story),coz everyone convinced me I had an obession about computers.

g) I had also wanted to be a gelologist,a marine archaelogist, a marine engineer(gave it up when a relative in the merchant navy,told me put it after the last last option.) and also a historian. None were to be.

Now these were options that I have pretty much closed. Lets come to the options that unfortunately are not.

h) I wanted to do my PhD in computers. Now I am thinking about management. However a doctorate will push me into teaching and academic roles. I am not sure if I want that

i) I want to do my MBA and this is what I hope to soon pursue. However even here I am unsure if I want a long term plan or a short term plan. I like the short term idea. Work for six years and explore other options

j) I think somewhere in the future I want to set up my NGO to help others. However I am surprised how easily money can fill up the need of job-satisfaction.

k) I am still thinking of an IAS attempt as a viable career move. However I am unsure whether I want to commit.

l) I am also writing a book which is stuck at 15% mark. I also desire to be a motivational speaker and tour the world.

So dont talk to me aout how confused you are. I am way ahead of everybody.

And I think I missed out a few options

33rd verse. Wisdom of the TAO

I am replacing my desire for power
over others with my efforts
to understand and master myself
in any and all situations.

The things I love....
I have to learn to leave alone.

Simply adore the last line. Even the idea about knowing oneself is powerful.

Feelings

Feelings always seem,
a mirage.
A rainbow sandwich ,
with layers,
unknown,unseen and
untasted.

I bite, I munch, I savor,
I introspect,
And I still dont know,
what I feel for you,
how your memories bring up the tastes,
they do.

Doubt is my enemy,
I know.
There were the sparks,
But I thought it was just a phase,
You and me had nothing in common,
I thought and I told myself.

Now the cycle of doubt completes,
You hang over me and all around,
Like a smog on a wintery morning,
And on a happy day or sad day,
I replay in head again and again,
Your laugh,
Your smiles and the waving of compliments,
Your random new accent.

In times like these,
Where I am myself unsure of the truth,
How do I tell it to you,
For when you will read this here,
You will smell a scent from the past,
And wonder if it's you,
This narcissistic refers to.

Realization !

Just read this poem . Liked it. Thought I would share it.

What is within you is better than
What is behind you and ahead of you
We should live like a Lotus leaf
It is surrounded by water but dry
Not a drop of water settles on it
It is detached attachment or nishkama karma
Do your duty and leave the rest to GOD
We have free-will and choice as
we have reason but there is a subtle
distinction between GOD’s will and pleasure
He wills both vice and virtue but
what pleases Him is virtue.
Destiny is real as birth and death
Many are called, but few are Chosen
Self-pity is defeating but hubris is a delusion
we surrender not because we have to but
as we are United in Spirit, the spirit that was
never born and shall never perish !

Late night regrets

A dark cloud muffles the stars,
Its now late at night,
Loneliness creeps upto me in the darkness,
And I am there looking at your number.

I want to call,
Feel a frayed connection,
Imaginary or real,
And simply talk my heart out.

I look at the past,
And wonder ifff,
Just if,
I should have taken the risk,
And created magic myself when I could ,
Rather than hope for it to rise from nothing,
For I wonder if just maybe,
Just Maybe,
There could be a story between us

The connection though frayed,
Still exists.
Maybe time has not all,
Run out,
For I still remember you,
Pretty as the flowers,
With the flowers,
But now time has taken you,
So far far away

I ramble,
Delusional,
Hallucinating on a dark night,
Its late and lonely,
And I look at your number.

Again as always,
I wonder if I should call,
For you shall never call,
But I must maintain facades,
And today I feel overcome by regret,
So I shall call when I can again,
Fake the laugh.
And the attitude.

Eid Mubarak

This is a belated Eid Mubarak to everyone around.

This Eid has been the loneliest Eid's ever for me. In the entire mosque there was no one I know. Even in the years I have been away from home, and even last year I always had company. Classmates like nayab,tosif etc. Now they are all elsewhere. After the Eid namaz , I wished Eid Mubarak to the imam with the traditional hug and then some random people. I like the way how you can wish a totally random person Eid Mubarak and he will immediately wish you back.

So passed my Eid namaz. I came home and spent hours calling up relatives. then I gave myself a treat and prepared a multi layered custard as desert for dinner. All I can tell you there were five distinct layers .

Anyway so this Ramzan taught me a ot of things. The early morning five to evening six-thirty fasts were a bit hectic. I would feel very sleepy around 3 and my PM for lack of a socket was sitting next to me. The yawns were devastating. I also learnt I am very weak. However alhamdolillah the month passed. At the beginning it seemed a big task. Now I just dont know where the days flew.

Anyway Ramzan is the month where we forsake food and water.But more than that its the month of self-control. And I realized I was weak in many aspects.

Ramzan is a month to retrospect. I did not really get the time to do it often but still I carry forward valuable lessons.

Untile next year. 320 days left. :)

Eid Mubarak everybody.

Beautiful prose

I am now planning to chronicle pieces of prose that I love and I come across. There is a grace when writers use their pen as a brush.

1)

Invisible Immigrants, Old and Left With ‘Nobody to Talk To’ Moving article on the plight of lonely parents.

2) Mr. Kennedy took a break to offer his views on the scrutinizing of the private lives of public officials, something with which he clearly was quite familiar. Mr. Kennedy said he had no quarrel with such inquiries.

“But do I think it tells the whole story of character? No I truly do not,” he wrote. Men and women, he said, are more complicated than that. “Some people make mistakes and try to learn from them and do better. Our sins don’t define the whole picture of who we are.”