I am back

Yes,  I am back with a new resolve to blog regularly. The last couple of years,  initially had me focussing inwards to look at and then I hit a writers block.

However somewhere I had diverted from the path of creativity. Being fully employed did not help. Somehow a stable income tends to kill my creative expressions.  It however also makes me super unhappy and miserable. Writing after all as I say is an escape

So I am back.  New phone and all.  Trying to make a sense of it all.

No one wanders here I know.  But when did I say I wanted thousands here.

I am not fascinated

I am not fascinated
by big names and lofty titles and
long runs after things that are illusionary.
But to fascinate me
tell me your heart’s desires
and where do you yourself want to be .

I am not fascinated
by yatches, watches , gadgets and
all the one thousand one glittery things around.
But to fascinate me
tell me how you looked inside
and realized that not every jewel you desire .

I am not fascinated
by drunk nights, hungover mornings and
the new names for the ancient drinks.
But to fascinate me
tell me about deep thoughts in high moments
and what you still remembered the morning after .

I am not fascinated
by beauty , fashion, and
all other things that will be gone tomorrow.
But to fascinate me
tell me did the beauty also have a heart
and were the depths of her intellect really deep.

I am not fascinated
by shamans , mystics and
the one hundred one teachers for hire.
But to fascinate me
tell me was the mystic's jounrney just for himself
and all guidance to others a freely given gift .

I am not fascinated
by your conquest of weaker souls and
all the rest that is external to you.
But to fascinate me
tell me did you conquer you own soul
and finally leave your ego by the roadside .

I am not fascinated
by who did you love and
who did you betray.
But to fascinate me
tell me of the pain when the beloved left
and silence that you heard in the beloved’s absence .

I am not fascinated
by tales of crushes, fantasies and
a dozen shades of lust.
But to fascinate me
tell me did you really love the beloved
and was that love pure enough to be called love.

Syed Ashraf Husain ' दाग़ ' ' ڈاگ ' 

P.S. Sometimes I cant write poetry for days and sometimes I finish a whole poem in 30 minutes flat. Its always how heavy the heart is.

Time to Reinvent Myself

My blog has always been a lot about self introspection and while I have not blogged enough recently for various factors, I feel the time is coming soon. As an update some stuff happened recently that has made me think deep and hard.

Firstly the first semester of MBA is nearly over, and MBA right now seems the most overrated thing I have ever done. The trouble is I feel I haven't learnt enough that I could and this hurts as the importance of MBA for me lies in its learning opportunities. Its like being stuck in a marsh while solid ground seems just across the water. So I have been indulging in all sorts of trivial things without heading in the right direction.

Indeed I laughed the other day wondering loudly to this statement ,'And I used to think engineering was the biggest mistake of my life'. Of course I plan to change this next sem but still.

Secondly I went through the summer placement process where some of the companies I wanted to be at did not even shortlist my resume. Funnily enough in the end I got to a company which is part of a media group that I was really curious about . Its a finance profile and I get to explore how deep my interests lie in the media world. I find it funny how I ended up in a place my heart wanted but would not have waited for and part of me now believes in fate. 

Thirdly , an event happened in my life that makes my heart skip a beat and I walk with a jump in each step. The event was inspiring enough to demolish the writers block I was suffering from and  I now write prose and poetry again. But its all very fluid and I have to wonder if I am hallucianting for I go low when the day seems blue. And its just a gaze that can make or mar my day. While i believe in fate and 'The Secret' now( more later), the question is am I ready for things not working out? I wont even consider the possibility at times. And in the end I dont think I can ever be prepared  but I must think about this.

Summing it up, I need to think of my MBA, the summer placement, the analysis of failure and what goes in my life. In short now is a wonderful opportunity to reinvent myself. And that is what I am going to do. Below is a picture of me nearly four years ago. Its a different  me I realize and I want to again reinvent myself over the next 3-4 months. So that I again look in the mirror and see a stranger.

Also let me acknowledge publicly and also confess that I used to think of myself as  a genius and very smart and intelligent. However I have come to realize, I am an idiot of the first order and very naive. I have mishandled enough situations over the last 4 months to be given an Ignoble award or a Darwin prize. 

The only way to defeat brute force is to overpower it with a stronger one.

The only way to defeat brute force is to overpower it with a stronger one.

So there was this Debate competition where I had to submit a write up for both ends of the argument. This is my submission. I did not get shortlisted but I still think I submitted a great entry.

A) FOR THE TOPIC

“I do not believe in a supernatural basis for evil. Human beings have the capacity to commit  the most depraved of acts on fellow human beings”. The quote summarizes the evil in the world around us. In our cocoons, we shut ourselves away from the fact that there are evil people around us and mistakenly believe the world is all civil and nice to each other. 

But once in a while, evil  becomes a force united by an army of hundreds that can roll through nations brutally destroying everything they comes across.

The armies of Nazi Germany were such a force, so was the regime of Pol Pot and in the same league were the murderous Japanese forces who brutalized every nation they conquered in World War 2.

So what does one do when confronted by such a great evil. An evil that will listen to no  reason and will show no mercy.

The answer is simple- “Reply back with a greater force!”

History shows us that only defeats in the battle fields turn back conquering armies. When met with a greater force , even evil will ask for mercy and turn back. To wait for the empires of evil to collapse on their own, is to let the world be as it is and let innocents suffer. The regime of Khmer Rouge was finally defeated by an invasion by a neighbouring country. But that was too late for more than one and a half million people who had by then been shot and just left to rot in the killing fields of Cambodia. Those fields still stand today as a testament to the evil of humans. In the time that it took for the Nazi empire to be defeated by the Allied powers, over 5 million people were butchered in gas chambers and concentration camps.

Imagine if these empires had survived or flourished? The world would have been a very ugly place today.

Of course war is never a good act. The replying force is also as brutal as the evil they seek to vanquish. The Allies indiscriminately bombed the German civilian population , bombing entire cities to dust. And once they won the war, the Germans were placed in a blockade where the average nutrition per German citizen was restricted to near starvation levels. Imagine starving the entire population of a country just because the earlier dictator of the country chooses to go to war. The Allies never stopped at that of course- Germany was divided among two countries, entire industries were dismantled and the equipment shipped to America and Germans were told that they would be paying an annual compensation for the war for the next 20 years. 

In the end it is the victor who writes the history but we must believe there is something called a ‘just war’. Barack Obama , the president of the United States of America focused on this in his Noble Peace Prize acceptance speech to justify the contradiction between peace and the war in Afghanistan.

B) AGAINST THE TOPIC

“It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.” Voltaire in this quote states what we all know- there is no just war and there are no benevolent liberators. The soldiers of war are just glorified murderers.

There are multiple justifications for war. No nation goes to war as the aggressor rather they paint themselves as the victims forced to act in their self defense. The other nation is always portrayed as evil, dysfunctional or just simply a mortal enemy. Violence is always masked by myths that lend it moral legitimacy, and these myths for the most part kept people from recognizing the violence for what it was.  

However the truth is that there are no just wars. Each war is as brutal as the other. Innocents die even when a population is bombed by predator drones using laser guided bombs or carpet bombed by B-52 fortress bombers. Battle weary soldiers see no difference between civilians and enemies. In all wars the local population has also been massacared.

So what do you do when faced with a brutal force? Do you give in and accept humiliation in the hope of surviving. 

No, I believe every evil force in the world must be resisted. It has to be resisted with  non-violence in the great traditions of Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King. There can be no violence.  To fight fire with fire is to just create a larger fire which will destroy everything around. Martin Luther King said that the trouble with violence is that it’s a cycle that destroys the creator himself. We can see the example of the same in India itself where Indira Gandhi as the Prime Minister encouraged Bhindrawale’s violent extremism to gain political mileage in Punjab. Later when Bhindrawale  went out of her control and violence ravaged Punjab, the army was sent into the Golden Temple and Bhindrawale was killed. Indira Gandhi herself was killed by her Sikh bodyguards who were enraged by the perceived desecration of the Golden Temple. The cycle of violence was complete. 

India’s freedom struggle is the greatest example of a brutal force defeated by peaceful means. The British empire was no less brutal or no less powerful than any evil that humans have known. Protestors were beaten, imprisoned, exiled and sentenced to death if they could be. An Indian was considered inferior to a white person. It did not matter how many Indians were killed, the British Empire was to reign supreme. Yet it was just one man who was derided once as a naked fakir(beggar) who brought this force to the negotiating table. Mahatma Gandhi won our freedom and our eternal gratitude without the mass bloodshed that has characterized freedom struggles the world over.

Nelson Mandela succeeded in ending apartheid in South Africa only when he agreed to non violence and sat down to negotiate with the evil force. 

And just last week Sudan, peacefully partitioned into two nations just on the basis on negotiations that many said needed a NATO war to stop the genocide in Darfur.

If it could work with a dictator like Bashir, a brutal empire like the British and the philosophy of white supremacism , I believe non violence in various forms can defeat any brutal force in the world.

Jung Test Results

So I analyzed my jung test results



Jung Test Results
Extroverted (E) 62.16% Introverted (I) 37.84%
Intuitive (N) 67.57% Sensing (S) 32.43%
Thinking (T) 54.55% Feeling (F) 45.45%
Perceiving (P) 68.57% Judging (J) 31.43%


Your type is: ENTP


ENTP - "Inventor". Enthusiastic interest in everything and always sensitive to possibilities. Nonconformist
and innovative. 3.2% of the total population.


SELF ANALYSIS
To analyze the results, I will pull up two of the most analytical paragraphs I wrote about myself about 4 months back.
The first paragraph is,“A poet at heart yet a writer of prose by choice; an introvert who broke his shackles and now loves debates, discussions, etc.; a technology enthusiast who wanted to do an M.Tech. but realized the tug of an MBA was stronger. Yes, these and many other contradictions summarize me as an individual.”
You see I am all these seemingly contradictory things and and much more. I say seemingly contradictory for a reason. Someone may look at these things and say this guy is totally random and
these are disconnected things. But I am a whole individual with all these differences smoothened over.


I love to be involved in things. I have been involved with the Magazine board in my school and college. By the end of engineering , I was a strong communicator but once I started working I have been involved with and am a member of Toastmasters International which is a public speaking and leadership club. I believe if I am good at anything I should be better at it. I initially wrote poems in English but I have learnt only when we stretch ourselves do we realize where our strength lies. So I
have written Ghazals in Urdu, dabbled with Haiku and basically tried my hand at whatever I wanted to do. I learnt to cook, failed at learning classical music when my teacher after six months pronounced me untrainable and look forward to trying to draw- a skill I have never been good at.


The second paragraph is , “My career goals are linked to my passions and interests as I want to be passionate about whatever I do. For the next 5-10 years,I would like to work in the corporate world handling challenging tasks, preferably in the risk management and strategic planning domain.


Alongside I want to never stop writing and also work towards becoming a professional motivational speaker. I also want to contribute positively to the society by working with children from
disadvantaged backgrounds.”


I like to be passionate about what I do and all my life I want to be passionate about things around me whether it be work or pleasure. My project manager in a feedback said that I have a childlike
enthusiasm for things which I must guard.


In fact the lines that scare me is a couplet from Urdu poetry,
‘Gham ho ya khushi dono, pal do pal ke saathi hain,
Phir rasta hee rasta hai, na hasna hai na rona hai’
Translated as ‘Grief and joy both are just companion for a short moment in life,
After that there is only the never ending travel with no emotions anywhere’
I don’t want to wake up and realize I am doing a job just to pay off the mortgage or pay for the kids education. I want to have shades of all the hues in the world around me.

Two events that have shaped me

P.S.- This is part of a self evaluation exercise that I had to attempt. I blog my attempt here as I think I wrote some great prose here.


Two things majorly make me who I am


1) Bibliomaniac:- I started reading seriously as a child of eight or so. First I loved comics and then after I had read and reread all the Archies, Tintin, Asterix in the local library, I moved to Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, Famous Five and similar stuff. By class 7 even these had been read so I moved to more serious authors and I was now an official bibliophile. I read during school time, after school, during the vacation and despite a rather severe reprimand on being caught even during exams.


The reading hobby has lasted forever and even now I read pretty much anything I get my hands onto.


However more than a strong vocabulary or a good command of English, reading has moulded me also in another way. Reading has made me much more sensitive to the world around me telling me there is seldom black and white in any argument or incidence but rather multiple shades of grey abound everywhere. And reading made me step into poetry and it was this fascination for the written word that I aspired to write and was a member of the magazine board in my school in class 11th.

2) The AIT story:- The story of my life starts in college. Everything else before that time is inconsequential like a misty morning vanquished by the rising afternoon sun. When I headed to AIT, I
was the bookworm who wanted to pursue his M.S. and PhD. in engineering and was both stage shy and an introvert. I also carried a disappointment from being forced to reject NIT Warrangal but that’s another story


AIT changed it all. Everyone was pushed onto stage. I was a member of English debates, Hindi debates ,Musical dramas and was also the only first year student to write the script for the street play.
After all the rule was if you were in the first year and were not on stage ,you had to be in the audience cheering. And it made more sense to be involved and be cheered rather than being a dumb
cheerleader(pun intended).


At AIT I was also for 3 years a part of a wonderful group called the Mag Board which did all sorts of stuff such as treasure hunts, betting rings, V day dress codes, fun notice boards , etc. Oh, there was also a magazine somewhere. When I attended the first meeting I was flabbergasted. I thought I was in the wrong place for I was surrounded by these awesomely glib talkers. And I was shy. But it was a challenge that I took up and I survived. The highest moment came in my third year of engineering when I became the Mag Board Secretary of my batch. It was a culmination of hard-work and
creativity.


And after my engineering I have worked for three years where I have been recognized as a great employee. But my confidence and creativity still spills from the time when I was young and unafraid.

Do Muslims need that mosque?

I wanted to post this as a status message on facebook but the small word limit and the fear of being unable to be clear ensured I am now posting a blog entry.

First of all the disclaimer. This is totally my personal opinion. I do not mean to offend. Also I find it funny that on the internet on an issue concerning only Indian Muslims there are so many Muslims from other countries shouting at forums and indulging in a who can abuse more match with others.

So the Ayodhya verdict is out. The verdict is surprising and that is good. If any community had won we would have had victory processions by the extreme wing of one and protest marches by the same wing of the other community. Both would be equally provocative. There judgment had and still has a great potential of engulfing India in violence.

As of now all is peaceful. Most probably all the troublemakers and hired goons are still scratching their heads wondering if they have won or lost. Thats the beauty of the judgement. Its a win some ,loose a little formula.

The judgment runs into thousands of pages with all 3 judges giving seperate opinions.

The court ruled that Hindus and Muslims have shared joint custody of the land for the last 200 years at least and so it shall remain. There is no clear looser. Please read the judgment available online at this link before forming opinions. The judiciary has not favored one community or being pro-temple as being said by some parties. Indeed I have seen the BJP and the RSS blowing trumpets of victory but that is maliciously misleading on their part.

By a majority judgement the land is to be divided into three parts. I thought a 50-50 division would have been more equal but the judgement is still acceptable.

On nearly every important issue the judges were divided and hence we have a majority opinion as the assenting opinion. The court did not as a majority agree that the Area was the the birthplace of Lord Ram. What the court said was that its the place where for the last 200 years many Hindus have believed that Lord Ram was born and the court will accept it.

The verdict is acceptable but it is likely to go to the Supreme Court. No one has won completely and a judgment of this magnitude has to be contentious. Maybe the SC could expedite it.

Now that the Sunni Board has 1/3rd of the land , it should ask whether Muslims really need that mosque. The verdict is a setback to right wing Hindu groups claiming the entire land. The verdict says Muslim Wakf board has equal rights to the land as the other parties. Indeed if we look at the reasoning of the majority opinion in the judgment, the fact is the rights for the Hindu community come from the special case that this mosque was a common worship place since the British. The Hindus had the use of the outer area. This of course is a precedent that may not be applicable elsewhere but may lead to unrest at other places of conflict as who can guarantee there will not be another Babri Masjid incident elsewhere(the political gains for the BJP were enormous ). This is disquieting. Indeed I hope the Supreme Court while reaffirming this decision should lay out very clearly that never again can a similar thing happen.

After this judgement however ,now that the legal rights of the Muslim have been reaffirmed, the Sunni Muslim Wakf board should take a step back and think.

The mosque at Ayodhya is not special, its just a mosque. This is not Mecca ,Medina or even the Ajmer dargah.There will be no Muslims going on a pilgrimage to Ayodhya to pray at the mosque. To me it seems sacrilegious that a mosque will be built there. Just for that area so many Muslims and Hindus have died. A mosque with a foundation of human skulls and the moans of people mercilessly murdered during riots cannnot be a place of where I can offer namaz.

Instead let there be a memorial there dedicated to innocent victims of violence which aims to further understanding and peaceful existence in India. Let there be photogrpahs that may remind people of the terrible cost of religious strife. And let it be dedicated to the nation.

The Babri Masjid demolition represents the very worst of humanity. But that Masjid is gone. Broken down stone by stone and the pre and the post riots ensured hundreds died. It did not happen suddenly but was the result of a steady raising of tensions. Why should people forget the actual cost of strife and even more importantly the terrible cost of hate? Indeed each citizen of India should realize that only hate has the power to tear this nation apart.

Indian Muslims also should have other priorities as a community correct. We are the most economically and educationally backward of all communities. We need a vibrant leadership. Indeed our leaders have let us down the most. Let us fight for education , justice(the criminal case over the demolition somebody?),equality and that Sachar committee report recommendations be implemented.

So Sunni Wakf board people if you ever read this, take the initiative and be magnanimous. Dedicate the memorial to the nation and to fighting hate and discrimination.

Think about it

“Naturally the common people don’t want war… That is understood. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.”
HERMANN WILHELM GOERING, Nazi Party leader

How true do these words still sound.

The idea of hate

I live in a world which is filled with hate. You dont need to go looking for it. In the morning newspaper there will be the report of a terrorist attack. Then I will see subtle hate in some of the pages. And if I just decide to browse news on the web there is Times Of India, rediff and so many sites with unmoderated comments with the the most vile comments possible.

The idea of hate is this only. When you want an explaination for the Holocaust, the 9/11 attacks, the suicide bombers, thr riots which kill hundreds or so many acts of evil around us, think of hate. Hate drove the crimes against African Americans in the Jim Crow south during the civil rights movement. The blacks were afterall the other.

However it appears humanity has not learnt its lessons. Hate is thriving today. Skin head gangs are back in vogue. The right wing in europe feeds of the right in middle east. The Islamic extremist and the Islamophobic's trip over each other to show the crimes off the other and showing themselves as victims. In the message is hate present.

I am tired of hate. Hate directed against me and others also. The hate on some of the muslim forums is as hateful as the hate on some of the christian forums I have chanced upon and both of them rival hate on the hindu forums.

Those who hide behind the freedom of speech should stop whining when their view are outed as what they are -racist, bigoted and hateful. Indeed the freedom of speech does not encompass the right to offend or the right to spread hatred.

I say no to hate today. I think its time to start a movement where hate is shown as unacceptable.

I dont beleive in a supernatural basis of evil. Man is capable of the mst evil acts possible with full choice. Indeed more than naxals hate is the biggest threat to India. If we cannot live together, see each other for what we are-humans , indians and citizens of a common world then the world's future is dark indeed.

Why I havent blogged?

So I havent in some time now.

I feel guilty for it and will be back.

Its just that I am going through a phase where its all so confusing. Despite getting a 99.45 percentile I dont have the IIM calls that I desire. So I will probably return to fight another day.

Beyond that there are a lot of issues I am musing about. However I still dont see the bigger picture and from that stems an inability to put it in words.

Will be back soon

The FeelingSeason of blues

Its the season of blues,
I heard the wind say,
As it swirled up the dust,
And tugged at the drying leaves,
End of stay on the branch,
As now is the season of gloom,
The coming of the end,
Of all we see around

There will be new dawns,
New seasons,
Spring and autumns,
But people forget ,
Those will be another year,
Another time,
But the present would have long,
Been vanquished to dust.

In the lonely season of blues,
Everyone survives in isolation,
Loneliness in a crowd,
Maladies with no cures,
There is a numbing within,
A disconnect with the world,
Feelings,
Bottled up emotions

Feelings that are not felt,
Emotions seemingly absent,
Near yet so far,
There is no grief,
No tears, no cries,
In this season of the Blues,
Yet a weight hangs,
All around,
Everywhere

Late night regrets

A dark cloud muffles the stars,
Its now late at night,
Loneliness creeps upto me in the darkness,
And I am there looking at your number.

I want to call,
Feel a frayed connection,
Imaginary or real,
And simply talk my heart out.

I look at the past,
And wonder ifff,
Just if,
I should have taken the risk,
And created magic myself when I could ,
Rather than hope for it to rise from nothing,
For I wonder if just maybe,
Just Maybe,
There could be a story between us

The connection though frayed,
Still exists.
Maybe time has not all,
Run out,
For I still remember you,
Pretty as the flowers,
With the flowers,
But now time has taken you,
So far far away

I ramble,
Delusional,
Hallucinating on a dark night,
Its late and lonely,
And I look at your number.

Again as always,
I wonder if I should call,
For you shall never call,
But I must maintain facades,
And today I feel overcome by regret,
So I shall call when I can again,
Fake the laugh.
And the attitude.

Eid Mubarak

This is a belated Eid Mubarak to everyone around.

This Eid has been the loneliest Eid's ever for me. In the entire mosque there was no one I know. Even in the years I have been away from home, and even last year I always had company. Classmates like nayab,tosif etc. Now they are all elsewhere. After the Eid namaz , I wished Eid Mubarak to the imam with the traditional hug and then some random people. I like the way how you can wish a totally random person Eid Mubarak and he will immediately wish you back.

So passed my Eid namaz. I came home and spent hours calling up relatives. then I gave myself a treat and prepared a multi layered custard as desert for dinner. All I can tell you there were five distinct layers .

Anyway so this Ramzan taught me a ot of things. The early morning five to evening six-thirty fasts were a bit hectic. I would feel very sleepy around 3 and my PM for lack of a socket was sitting next to me. The yawns were devastating. I also learnt I am very weak. However alhamdolillah the month passed. At the beginning it seemed a big task. Now I just dont know where the days flew.

Anyway Ramzan is the month where we forsake food and water.But more than that its the month of self-control. And I realized I was weak in many aspects.

Ramzan is a month to retrospect. I did not really get the time to do it often but still I carry forward valuable lessons.

Untile next year. 320 days left. :)

Eid Mubarak everybody.

The pages of a closed book ruffle again

"Phir usi bewafa pe marte hai,
Phir wohi zindagi hamaari hai"

The pages of a closed book rustle again,
Someone calls, who I had long ago forgotten,
A wind that had long ago died awakens,
My heart suddenly skips a beat.

Its her again,my heart moans,
Cruel crusher of love,
Heartless destroyer of a poet's heart,
And a brazen pretender as if nothing happened.

I spent years forgetting her,
Telling myself each day its all over,
Till I myself grew blind to the realities,
But someone returns from the past,
Destroying the calm,still the same heartbreaker as ever,
And I suddenly despair on realizing,
Love even if one-sided,never dies,
And she will haunt me forever

CAT Update

"Muzamahil ho gaye quvaa 'Ghalib',
Woh anaasir mein aitadaal kahaan"

muzamahil=lethargic, quvaa=powers, anaasiir=elements, aitadaal=moderation

Ghaalib,your powers have become lethargic,
There is no moderation in the elements.

The above is one of my favourite ghaalib sher's. It expresses so eloquently the frustration of a person who is realizing that the powers that he was proud of are vanishing.

I would wonder about my powers as a poet and a writer wondering at times if my best phas was over.

Now recently I have a new angst. I am being openly devastated in the mock-CAts. The last two papers have been the worst. And I managed a score that I had never ever got. Meaning even less than my zero attempt CAT(initial no prep).

So I am wondering now if my powers have eclipsed. Its funny how two bad performances can so thoroughly shake up the confidence.

Anyway this is my hall of shame, my repository of mock cat scores

While I do feel frustrated, I shall still try and hold onto hope. Because I have made a stand here. And I will clear the CAT and join the college I desire to, not what I manage to get. ABCL, I am still coming.

Adios

Be the change you want to be in the world

I have been wondering these last couple of days, what is my contribution to the community and society at large? The answer I have realized is nil and it pricks me.

Be the change you want to see in the world. Thats what resounds in my mind. There are things around that rankle me. Problems with the nation and the community. Its a good idea to lay out the solution and say its easy. The tough part is implementing the idea. Walk the talk they say.

And I know, my conscience will not let me sleep. I will hedge my risks but when the time is right I will put them into action. Of course my parents and relatives take me for a loony. "You have been so brilliant and now you will waste it all for social service. It doesn't pay". This was the response I got from home. But I am stupidly stubborn.
"Sab ke baatein sun leta hoon main chup chaap magar ,
Apne dil ki karte jaana meri aadat hai."

So my aspirations always cloudy become a little more clear. I want to walk a lot of paths. I know one that I will definitely walk.

A year of enslavement :)

So finally a year has passed since I started working. Its been a mixed year. I expected more, got less; I hoped to learn a lot, learnt nothing; I hoped to remain unchanged, I now dont recognize myself in the mirror;I thought I knew myself, now I know the journey of self exporation has just began.

Last year , around this time, I was rich. I was using my parents accounts. Now I am broke. Coz now I burn up my own money.

Anyway now I know the meaning of things I never knew before. I now know I cant really be happy while being employed by someone else. For a short duration I could survive provided I am being paid obscenely high, which again I am not.

Jab agle saal yahi waqt aaa raha hoga,
Kaun jaanta hai kaun kis jagah hoga

Adios

Justice for Marwa Al Sherbini??

So I learnt about this horrible and tragic incident, about a woman who was murdered in court in front of her three year old son, by a man who she had successfully sued for racially insulting her. Where did this incident happen?? Did it happen in some corner of Saudi-Arabia or Iraq? No , it happened in a court in Dresden in Germany. And did we hear about it? No, we did not. Of the only western media link that I could find about the story was in BBC news.At this moment I must genuinely doubt the media's fairness. When a rabid mullah makes some silly fatwah about the Hijab or some ither thing they will splash it all around. It is implied Muslims must apologize. Its afterall in our name. Who cares if we never gave the permissions? I dont really support or encourage the Hijab. But I beleive the choice must exist. The woman who chooses to wear the hijaab is not inferior to the one who walks in mini's. I can assure you this story will send a chill up your spine? Marwa Sherbini, 31, was stabbed 18 times by Axel W, who is now under arrest in Dresden for suspected murder. Marwa Sherbini, a 32-year-old Egyptian national was suing her attacker after he insulted her for wearing the Islamic headscarf. Sherbini stood in court to give evidence against court appeal before German man took out a knife and stabbed her 18 times. Marwa took her 3-year old son Mostapha to play in a Dresden park. A German man, identified only as Axel W, insulted her because of wearing headscarf and called her a "terrorist". She filed a case against him in German courts after the incident. When she won the case and the court fined him the €780 for having abused her. But German man appealed against the verdict, German media said. Also, her husband and her son were present in the court room. When the assailant attacked Marwa her husband ran to rescue her. But the assailant stabbed him 3 times. Meanwhile, a German security officer in court shot the husband in the leg too. The husband Elwy Okaz lapsed into a coma and was taken to hospital suffering from serious injuries to the stomach and liver. Marwa Sherbini was a star pupil at her Alexandria School, El Nasr Girls' College (EGC), one of the oldest and most prestigious educational establishments for girls in Alexandria. Her personality and academic achievements led to her selection as Head Girl of the school before she joined the Faculty of Pharmacy at Alexandria University, graduating in 2000 with flying colors. After she got married to Elwy Okaz, a researcher at the Max Planck Institute, she moved with him to Germany. HATE-CRIME IGNORED:- German officials did not acknowleged about bloody event which is taken in front of the 3 year old son's eyes during 24 hours and did not informed Marva's family or Egyptian embassy.. A German official described the incidence as individual and that it was driven out of the so called "feelings of extreme xenophobia." So, now when a German guy stabs a pregnant Egyptian woman eighteen times, he is called "sick," but if an Arab or Muslim does the same with a European or American person, he will be called 'terrorist.' Also, the media reported that German officials put the son of Sherbinis, Mostafa in an orphanage, rejecting to hand him over Egyptian embassy for send him to family members. According to father of MArwa who spoked to an Egyptian TV, they learned the killing from a family friend after on a phone conversation after 24 hours. "My daughter was pregnant in her third month," the heartbroken mother told Egypt's Al-Masri Al-Youm daily on Sunday, July 5. "I never imagined she would be a victim of terrorism and we would see her pictures in the media." MY MUSINGS:- I wonder first of all, why is there not a commotion in the media. How is this incident so underreported. Why no New York Times or a Washington Post article. After all this lady was fighting for her rights peacefully. Secondly, why is there no enquiry how this happened. How the hell did the murderer stab 18 times a pregnant woman in court and no one intervened. And why the hell was her husband shot by the police officer. This incident is not a one off incident. Its an example of increasing Islamophobia in the world. Many people see a media bias. I refuse to beleive. But this incident makes me question. Obama's new dog got a 1000 times more coverage than the death of this lady. May her soul rest in peace. And I hope someone fights her fight.

The future is still unwritten

The future is still unwritten and I am writing it now.

The last couple of days I have been thinking a lot about my future, where I want to be, what I want to be. The choices are flummoxing but I have to evaluate each and every one of them. The way I see it,the time for procrastination and inaction is drawing to a close. The era of dragons is dawning.Mysore has been a decent place. But its time to move on.

After having worked in the IT sector for 10 months, I know what I had seen was a mirage. I dont see a long term career for myself here. Its just not satisfying wasting entire weeks worrying over pieces of inconsequential code. My code failure will not kill.It might have a financial cost to client but that is it. So I have decided to resign somewhere in Jan-March 2010. By that time I would have had 16 months or so of work ex and I think that would be enough in a lot of places. This decision is nearly 99% confirmed but there is always that chance for doubt.

I always wanted to be CEO but now when I look deeper that was just a facade for positions of leadership. A lot of money could stifle that urge but I think less money yet making a difference will not be all that bad.

In my college I wondered where I would like to work,now I wonder what I can do for the rest of my life.

I had choosen MBA over MS long time back and I still stick with it. But I wonder now how different will the work profile be after the degree. I look around and I see many managers with the same degree from the same colleges I aspire and I just have that teeny-weeny doubt.

Since childhood, I had that dream to fly across the oceans and settle in a foreign country. The dream still remains but I wonder if it is wise. Will not it be like the ultimate betrayal. Escaping to better pastors only because you have the option to do so. I have this feeling that I will never be quite at peace if I do not give something back to the community. In the easiest of words, it would simply be selfish. Maybe I lack the capitalist attitude.

So what shall I do when I finally decide to quit? There are multiple options that I have yet to choose from:-
a) Work for an NGO for some time and pursue my MBA. I am exploring the idea. It enthuses me a lot because it would give me a feel of social work. Its good to talk about giving back to society and caring for the poor in eloquent words, its quite another thing to actually walk along those words.

b) Become an entrepreneur . Again there are certain ideas cooking up right now . One idea has infact developed quite a lot but that involves me teaching physics to 12th level students. The plan is good and the cash flow could fund future ventures but I am not sure if that is what I want to be. This idea does not merge too well with my long term career plans. Of course now that I am questioning everything its a good time to ask whether even those goals are based on anything solid or as everything else they are merely wisps of smoke that the next wind shall scatter and merge with the surroundings.

c) Give the Indian civil services a solid try. This is an idea fraught with risks. However there is life little gain without risks. To even start I need to quit everything and study 12 plus hours a day for seven months plus. The civil services or IAS as it is called is the toughest exams in the country with nearly 4.5 lakh applicants in contention for less than 300 seats.
This is as I said earlier fraught with dangers. It could be nearly a year before I realize where exactly I stand but if I can clear this exam the rewards are multi-fold. There is the actual possibility of doing something good for others, the possibility of being agents of change.

d) Fourth option. Keep working at the company I am working presently and quietly head off to the MBA when the chance comes. The only issue is that the work at my company is seldom ever intellectually satisfying. So its more like doing donkey work. It makes no sense to keep working here when I cant see the IT sector as a long term career for myself.

So the future is unwritten and I am writing it now. The trick is to plan.

As they tear your hopes apart

To watch clicke here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

So I saw this incredible video today of Susan Boyle a participant in Britains Got Talent show. As a 48 year old lady , she comes on stage and is mocked by the audience for saying she wants to be a professional singer and also that there is something sexy to her beyond her age. She confesses she has never been kissed. The audience sneers. Judges mock her and it appears that she is just another side show to amuse the audience so that they can make fun of her dreams. And then she sings," I dream a dream." And no one laughs. Because her voice resounds loud and clear over all those sneers. And even the judges know they were wrong to dismiss her just because she was not that hot babe in a micro-skirt. The song is as beautiful as its lyrics are deep.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high,
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid
When dreams were made and used,
And wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung,
No wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hopes apart
As they turn your dreams to shame.

And still I dream he'll come to me
And we will live our lives together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms
We cannot weather...

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seems
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.

I just love the song. She sung it so well that I actually shed tears, though mainly because her voice had that deep quality that stirs something deep within eachof us. No one cries for anyone else, we all cry for ourselves. :)

Enjoy the song and please watch the vi