Toastmasters Project 4

This is my toastmaster's project 4 speech. Having realized previously the importance of humour, I wanted a totally humorous speech, so that the audiences attention is fully captured. Also with a club level humorous speech contest coming up next week, I wanted a trial run of the speech.

It went well. The audience was literally in splits.

Dial M for

Dial M for Murder. Ooops sorry, I got carried away.. M mean something else not murder definitely. But for now I will keep u guessing.

Let’s say we Indians have a special affinity for the M word. Which M word ? That M word. The one that everyone wants to experience. Yet most of the people who experience think they were better off, without it.

Folk its M for marriage

As western culture is fixated with love, Indian culture has an obsession with marriage. Since ancient times marriage is part of our psychology. And its firmly grounded there. Marriage seems to be the start of a settled life. For parent’s it seems till the times their children are not married, their duties are still not done. So the moment the child becomes eligible for marriage he/she is prodded into thinking about marriage. Don’t smile people. I know since the day you got your married each of you have at least one mused about marriage

Now talking about marriage let me put it this way. I am an unwilling iconoclast.

I firmly believe marriage is not a small thing. Its not even a word. Marriage is a complete sentence… A life sentence….

I can see a few people smiling. We all know when a newly married guy smiles but when he smiles after 10 years of marriage is when everyone is flummoxed.

There are lines from Salman Rushdie’s novel Shame that I love “I don’t believe in arranged marriages. There are some things you should not be able to blame your poor parents for”. Tragically the day I recited these lines to my parents, they developed a deep animosity for the author. How can someone say this ? It is our duty?

Everytime I hear words like marriage and duty, I remember the idea of firing a gun held someone else’s shoulder. Mine unfortunately.

Indian parents suddenly develop this attachment to rituals and culture which can be a bit to the kids disadvantage.

My dad said the other day,”Son I left the decision of marriage to my sisters and relatives and it has been a very good journey . You should also do the same.” It was a family function. I looked around and I could see the past when I was ten years old or so. As the only male kid with nearly 10 sisters as first cousins in my age group, I grew up indeed in a disadvantaged position. Relatives would come visiting and my sister would team up with her other cousin sisters. The attack would be sudden. “Charge” is all I would hear and next moment I would be getting beaten to a pulp in a fight I had already lost. “Resistance is futile” could very have been their theme.

So as I remembered those moments, fear took hold of me again and I literally begged my parents to promise that if a time came that I was desperate enough to allow them to choose a match, the task shall not be out sourced to any sisters. If they could have beaten me to pulp as a child, imagine the havoc they could create now.

Of course my dad refuses to believe I even have a choice. "Son ,you don’t have the right to choose your own match. That is with me". With most of the western world world already weary about marriages , we could be the only nation where marriage is a joyful occasion. At family functions these days all those old-old aunts now have nothing else to chat with me about except my marriage. Even when I would insist even the idea is far away they would not stop. So I started to chat with them about funerals.

Instant silence.

All you unmarried people out here ,remember the tip. May help you.

In western civilization if you cant date or fraternize with the opposite sex, YOU WILL die alone and lonely. In India, “ Bapu to dhoond hee denge”. Parent will find a match. The parents finding a bride/groom is a great back-up option. We ,Indians can actually be single and happy. Because parents are there.

Of course arranged marriages are not all that bad. There was this white kid who was asking his father, “Dad I have heard in India, a man does not know his wife till he marries her. Is it true? ”It happens everywhere, son. Everywhere.

Of course with section 377 of Indian Penal Code being struck down suddenly society has had to comprehend a new reality which most do not acknowledge.

"What is the use of the law ?",asked a relative of mine."There are no gays in India".

Sure , I mused. Then who were all those people in the gay pride parade in the metros.

Society may still does not accept gay or lesbian couples but it will change. I have a close friend who recently came out of the closet You can imagine the havoc that happened when the only son told his parents he was gay. His parents went ballistic. But we must give parents the credit that they deserve. Their love for their child remained undiminished, but they did voice their opposition to his choice.

We were talking the other day and somehow the topic veered to marriage. He goes like, ”The problem with choosing my own bride is that my parents wont be happy if the bride does not have the same social status. ” I thought for a moment and said, ”Dude, you are gay. Your parents would be distribute sweets if you ever get a girl home”.

He looks at me and says,”Oh shucks, I forgot I have told them”

I think just to satisfy society, we could have inter-orientation marriages. Imagine an advertisement like “Committed well settled handsome gay couple look for professionally qualified lesbian couple to satisfy parents demand for marriage. Caste no bar. Please send both your horoscopes immediately at desperate-to-satisfy-parents@gmail.com. ”

Now these days at functions etc people are asking my mom,” What sort of a girl do you want?” When my mother told me this , I was like,”a) I am not getting married and b) even if I am, Why are they asking you. They should be asking me. Its not as if you will be the one marrying.

This again did not go down well with my parents. The world just does not appreciate humour.

I will just give you all one tip about successful marriages that you may not have heard anywhere.

The secret to a successful marriage after so much of research still remains a secret.!!!